Deepest Music Within ..

Monday, June 26, 2006
spEEches of frEEdom!!

i am really STRESS out during the holiday period...
do anyone know about this??

i find that i am so LEFT OUT...
anyone care??

i feel like I AM A FAILURE...
are there anyone encouraging me??

i am so stress out with my art coursework...
my friends have done so fast and well...
but for me?
nei!!
i am so slow,
my friends did encourage me...
but...
not much...

when i call my friends...
i feel that i am a pain in their ass!!
i feel i am bothering them..

how???
CAN I BREAK DOWN DURING THIS MAJOR PART OF THE YEAR??

should i??

after all this stress...
it is not over yet.
the real TORTURE is yet to come...

i have brought my canvas to school today...
sitting there at the corner alone...
waiting for people that i expect them to come...

where are they??
are they coming to school today??

when someone came..
i felt that my heart is filled up with warmth again...

but...

when i see what they have paint...
it is like a suicide to me!!

when during art lesson,
we discuss what we have done during holiday...
i was laughing away,
making the atmosphere in the class 'HIGH',
but inside me...
is icy cold...

then we displayed out the canvas...
expecting teacher to praise me...
but in half of my mindset,
i know that people have overtaken me...
overpower me...

but least to my expectation,
my friends said that i did a great job...
but are they thinking like this in their heart??

my teacher say that i have my own style of painting...
wow...
impressive to hear that!!
but i know...
the things they have seen on the canvas..
is my blood,
my tears,
my voice,
my stress,
the things i wanted to express out...

after all this,
hope to go to a place that will make my soul come alive again,
'MY BAND ROOM'

but i still need to do something i never have to do during schooling period...
thats cutting my hair,
my teacher did not even ask me to get my hair cut every year...
but today...

after getting my hair done..
went back to school to have my lunch...
have decided to have western food for lunch today...
went to the stall,
saw the poster for 'BAND FIESTA'
my heart sank...
is not that i have no confidence with my band...
but...
is a strange feeling that i do not like....

after all this,
went into the band room,
one of my brother called me up,
wanting me to go and meet him at sembawang mrt,
but i forgotten the time,
i went out of school late,
wishing that he will reach later,
running with my reluctant legs,
finally reach the station,
he just came,
i ask him to wait for me as i need to get a drink...

all this we went back to school,
talk alot,
really alot,
but...
i notice the bros and sis are getting further and further now...
why??
whats happening??

we went in the band room,
the sound irritate me alot...
not they sound awful,
but...
is painful...

have decide to play percussion...
but,
have no talent,
feel like i am just an irritating person there...
but,
i just love to play a percussion,
but...
just cannot stop sitting down and think and recall...
i will never become a percussionist...

after this i went to see the band fall in,
they did a not bad job,
but i got fustrated once again..
let me make this clear:" I DO NOT LOVE HAMIZAH!!"
do you all know??
i felt disappointed,
why people are so childish...
i said once and is good enough,
i do not love her,
i just treat her as a good sister,
thats all...

then i went outside the band room,
sat there quietly,
than the asshole,
TIAN CHONG LONG
came and spoiled my mood again,
he talk to mustaqim,
mus is playing around with him,
but he cannot play around,
he want to get serious,
so we wemt serious with him,
mus throw something at him,
then he through back,
than he shout at me and say that,
the the sec 4 people are people that cannot talk to,
than he want to show off his new yoyo,
he think i do not know what is yoyo argh,
i just say that i do not have a chance to play a yoyo since i am young,
he went towards me,
open his bloody stinky mouth and say,
"YOU THINK WHAT? THIS IS NOT THE YOYO THAT GO UP AND DOWN OK!!
SINCE YOU DO NOT KNOW, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!!"
omg!!
did i say anything to describe your yoyo?
stop being so childish ok!!
and if yoyo do not go up and down?
i go left and right??
stop thinking you are famous and people are crowding around you,
cause you are not,
you are trying to seek and buy attention by buying things that are new,
but we do not give a damn...

since you say the sec 4 are people who are people who are hard to talk to,
shut up than,
when you see us,
do not talk to us,
y?
cannot live if you do not talk??
haha!!!

and all this things will not stop,
my stress will not end....
wait till the day,
i gain my freedom....

sHoTa hIbIkI aKa sHeNg
WISHES THAT I AM FREED!!

Deep Within

After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
--Aldous Huxley

Kevin Keane

Kevin Chua Wei Sheng
蔡伟胜
ｹﾋﾞﾝﾁｱ
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